Delayed Ejaculation

The average time between penetration during intercourse and ejaculation for a man who thinks of himself as a premature ejaculator is only two and a half minutes. So, then, what would it mean to you if you were able to last for thirty minutes, forty, fifty...or indeed, never ejaculate at all during intercourse?

For, unlikely though it may sound, that is exactly the problem which faces man with a condition called delayed ejaculation. In essence, delayed ejaculation appears to be the opposite of premature ejaculation, in that a man appears to be aroused, and have an erection very suitable for intercourse, but no matter how long sex continues, he may be unable to ejaculate at all, or he may only be able to do so with great difficulty.

On the face of it a condition such as delayed ejaculation - which, by the way, is also known as retarded ejaculation - goes against everything we expect during sex. For most men, the prospect of vaginal intercourse is so attractive and so arousing that it promotes rapid ejaculation far more quickly than either the man or his partner generally hope for. How is it, then, that some men not only don't ejaculate prematurely, but don't even do so in a normal timescale (which I would put at say between 10 and 20 minutes of lovemaking), and may not even do so no matter how long sexual intercourse continues?

It's an interesting question, to say the least! The paradox of delayed ejaculation is that it actually may have more in common with premature ejaculation than you might at first think. Apart from those cases of delayed ejaculation which are caused by drugs that interfere with the ejaculatory mechanism, it seems that many cases of delayed ejaculation are caused by the man actually not being very aroused at all during sex, despite the fact that he has an erection. Despite this, his low sexual arousal is not sufficient to get him to the point of ejaculatory inevitability, no matter how long intercourse may last. Now, as we know sexual arousal is product of both physical processes in the body such as kissing, fondling, touch, oral sex and masturbation, together with mental arousal caused by fantasy, anticipation of sex, and the memory of previous experience of sex. Both of these are necessary to get a man to the point where he's ready to ejaculate, and an absence of either source of stimulation will stop him from ejaculating in the normal way.

But why would a man not be aroused during sexual intercourse, and why would he not not realize that? It seems the answer to that question lies in the man's disconnection from his own sexuality. We talk, almost as a cliché, about men being cut off from their feelings, but it seems that there is a lot of reality in this for many men around sexual issues. Previous bad experiences, childhood abuse, wounding – that is to say, psychological wounding by those who shamed or made a child guilty or anxious about sex - as well as adult experiences of sex that go badly wrong in some way, can all contribute to a man cutting himself off from his awareness of his sexuality, his sexual arousal, and his sexual connection with his partner. It's what's known in psychological terms as a defense mechanism.

These defense mechanisms are, as the name suggests, all about defending oneself from further psychological hurt. It makes sense not to feel much during sex if you've previously been hurt during sex.

Now of course the interesting thing here is that some men probably refuse to have sex with a partner they feel antagonistic or hostile towards. However, it seems that some men - those with retarded ejaculation - are so committed to their partners' well-being, or at least what they interpret as their partners' well-being, that they continue to engage in sexual intercourse, and attempt to satisfy their partner without ever realizing that their resentment is so high that it's interfering with their sexual responses. This isn't a criticism or any kind of negative judgment on these men; far from it, in fact. I have spent about 12 years helping men with delayed ejaculation and other sexual dysfunctions, and I know that men with delayed ejaculation are often extremely committed to their partners' sexual pleasure.

Unfortunately it all goes wrong because the underlying hostility or resentment or fear or anger or guilt or shame needs to be brought out into the open and discussed between the partners, or at least dealt with by the man himself, so there is greater emotional - and probably also physical - intimacy between the sexual partners. Once that has been established, the man can be coached in achieving sexual pleasure, which is often just a case of providing information about sexual techniques, explaining how to please a woman by fully engaging with her during lovemaking, and perhaps, above all, showing him how he can avoid focusing exclusively on her pleasure at the expense of his own.

Treatment of delayed ejaculation is actually entirely possible, in fact it can be comparatively easy. I've put together a list of websites that offer help and advice for delayed ejaculation, and they are as follows. First of all, delayed ejaculation resources is a website that lists several interesting and helpful sources of information about delayed ejaculation. Advice on delayed ejaculation treatment can be found in many places on the Internet, including this new blog which is being written by a sexual therapist. As I mentioned above, delayed ejaculation is often known as retarded ejaculation, and you can find out advice about treatment of retarded ejaculation on another blog here.

I've implied above that a cure for delayed ejaculation is not hard to find, and I believe that the best treatment program for ejaculatory difficulties involves a combination of physical intimacy exercises, relationship counseling, and advice about sexual techniques. Male sexual dysfunctions are very common – the most commonly known are premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction, though delayed ejaculation is the third most prevalent, and in my opinion it may even be more common than erectile dysfunction. One of the reasons that we can't be sure about this is that many of the men with delayed ejaculation never seek help, which is why treatment programs available on the Internet are an essential resource. If you want to understand the cause of delayed ejaculation this is a very useful place to look, and if you want to know why your boyfriend is unable to ejaculate during intercourse, or your husband can't come during sex, these connections will guide you to information that provides greater understanding.